We're Sooo Fucking Back

This is it... We sit around for months on end as we take our frustration from the previous season straight to the bookie or fantasy betting apps, just to lose yet again. We channel all that pain from the season and the following uneventful summer just to get ready to pay someone else--it's like clockwork. On Tuesday, August 27th 2024 at 8pm Pacific time, we're right back at it. We're bringing this league back and we're gonna even be doing shit like running a site to make it even better this time around.

We have had a pretty eventful offseason. I have personally had less of an urge to bet on Ukrainian table tennis or under 16 Brazilian soccer because of the olympics, the betting opportunities, and all the memes (like the pole vaulter with the same affliction as me--sucks to see other olympians' dreams dashed just like mine were). Live betting on youth soccer instead became track and field parlays and patriotic fanaticism for any women's sports.

New Season, New League Members

We had a strong showing last year. Every team competed for playoffs and even put up a fight if they barely squeaked into the postseason; this season we're going to be bringing in some new blood to bring the ball knowledge and energy up even more. Let's see who's gone and who's new this year.

Gone from the league

1. Andy

2023 Result: League Winner
Andy is a tough loss for the league, as he played fantasy football like his life depended on it. The winning move was at pick #1 in the draft when he got McCaffrey to lead him to victory. 10-4 through the regular season, a semifinal cheek-clapping of my team by 30 points, and then a narrow 1 point thriller in the finals made for a memorable finish.

Bro knew it was his peak and he couldn't repeat. Bummer, but just opens up that #1 spot now that we have no incumbent.

2. Ritz

2023 Result: Last Place

Ritz is too busy perfecting his sleeper build physique, weighing 155lb and lifting 3 plates, to focus on fantasy football. His priorities are all over the place, I guess. What went wrong?! Why was his TE1 C. Otton? Why was his main QB Will Levis (sleeper pick this year, I'm sure)? Honestly, I do feel bad for him for picking up Pollard just for him to crash and burn. High expectations but no follow-through is what I saw from this team, and I think it made Ritz stick to the bodybuilding and poon-slaying.

We really should've had a fantasy punishment, because he really said deuces ✌️ and will never be seen in this league again.

3. Marco

2023 Result: 6-8 record, lost in the consolation rounds

Our final departure from last year was Marco. Marco was loyal to his Niners, but not to this league, apparently. Marco's team was truly boom or bust, as his combo of Purdy, Aiyuk, and Deebo was either OP or really dogshit. His 68point finish in Week 9 really cemented his team as one of those that will fuck you when you need an easy W but will fuck itself down the stretch, kind of like some of you grognards.

Sucks that we lost Marco, but I think maybe his girl is taking up more time than he thought, and this league will need an unencumbered fantasy GM to step in. I think we've found the guys.

New Blood

1. Derrick

Derrick is not completely new to this group. He joins us for Sunday basketball once every few months, and he has even played fantasy football with us before. He opted last year to join his mentally handicapped work league to bring home the chip and a good payday. "Wow Alex that's too harsh!! WTF." No, actually, bro. Kirk Thuggins went in the first round of that league if I remember correctly. Anyway, we're not diminishing the sports knowledge here: we've seen Derrick as a multi-sport expert for a while now, even getting our friend group into WNBA betting.

"It's a lock, bro!"

With a rejuvenated Derrick, we'll see what kind of season he's locked in for. Heads down grinding on fantasy is what I am hoping for 🎧🧑🏻‍💻. Welcome back, dude.

2. Sam

Sam is the wildcard of the group. He's been around longer than us, to the point where he might have seen NFL coaches in their playing years. He's established himself in the Kabir, Amitesh, Alex group as a down ass MF despite having a whole family and more responsibility at home. Cancun 🏖️ crew is looking forward to our next adventure, this time off the beach.

A connoisseur of finer things: watches, crocs, rare whiskey-- Sam really knows the good shit. I am personally stoked for Sam to be joining us from Seattle, as I can tell he's itching to get his feet wet again in the fantasy world and show us his stuff. I see Sam as a guy who could find the next star and pick him up before we know what hit us. Watch out.

Welcome to the league!

3. Sajj

Our final addition, Sajj, is mysterious. A Bay Area native, he's joining us after spending some years out in Bahrain. The way he's been balling 🏀 up on Sundays with some of this group tells me he was on the Bahrain national team or just getting hella reps in during his training arc. While Sajj may be basketball-focused, I am sure there's no shortage of 🏈 prowess here. Sajj rounds out the group of bay-area-proud fans who have an above-average sports IQ in any discipline.

San Bruno locals are the Ashkenazi Jews of sports, they're just smarter than us

-A guy on BART

My first experience partying with Sajj was the Warriors suite this past season, where we got sauced up and then went to fuck up a burger joint before regrouping at the local park. He fits right in with everyone here, I'd say 😆. Now he's joining us to fuck us up on the waiver wire. Welcome!

What's Coming Next?

That's it for the intro to our season. If you can't tell, I'm excited (I just whipped up a website, bought a domain, and got us set up to do power rankings, some weekly recaps, etc all last night lol). We're going to take our competitive group to new heights with a site, some shit-talking, and maybe some new traditions. I'll start with power rankings from the draft and weekly, then see what other content we should put together.

May the odds be ever in your favor today; good luck on the draft!